Here are two ways that the lack of self-value can manifest itself into action, or the lack thereof:
The Thought Cycle of Insignificance and Depression:
The realization slips in (subconsciously or consciously) that, "I feel insignificant."
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“When I reflect upon myself and my future, I feel even more hopeless and less valuable.”
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*As the thought settles further in, it becomes: “I'm now beginning to feel purposeless, down, and depressed.”
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Which, if uninterrupted will turn into: "I’m worthless and have now lost any desire or motivation to move or take action what so ever. Why even bother. I might as well just mindlessly scroll through my phone, detach and watch porn, or numb out on Netflix."
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And so the depression and hopelessness spreads and the cycle continues.
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The Thought Cycle of Insignificance & Action:
The realization slips in (subconsciously or consciously) that, "I feel insignificant."
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“The stronger my insecurity becomes, the more I want to prove that I am significant.”
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“I’m going to prove that I’m important by working to make something significant or by working to do what others will perceive as important.”
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"The more I work, the better I feel. So... I work even harder."
(And judge those who don't.)
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Which eventually, if left unchecked, turns into: “My hunger to work can no longer be controlled when I am still. Because the more still and quiet I become, the more restless and worthless I feel.”
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And thus, the flame of vain action and the search for one's value is lit and spreads across one's life.
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Do either of these sound familiar?
For whatever reason, our culture views the actionable man as admirable and the depressed individual as someone to be ashamed of. Yet, they are merely two individuals attempting to overcome the exact same issue of feeling invaluable in two different ways.
Neither is healthy, and both cycles can be prevented if the needs of the insignificant soul are met with the affection and attention it craves at the beginning of the thought/emotion cycle.
The earlier we can catch ourselves in the act of spiraling into worthlessness, the more quickly we can find out what we emotionally need, and then take action to get this need met in a more healthy and fulfilling way.
The ironic part is, for the toiling man of action, his need will likely be stillness, and for the depressed man, action.
The Purpose Ladder
10 questions to narrow down your path to creating the change that you wish to make in this world.
It’s not a complete list by any means, but these questions have helped me find my path to walk, uncover my purpose, and to discover what gives me meaning.
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1) What do you want to do?
(What is your craft, your art, your gift, the work you deeply care about?
Your work can be specific or generic, something common or uncommon, a gifting or a passion, and pretty much anything that you care about more than those around you.
*ps this isn’t about making a living, although that could come, this is about making a difference.)
2) Who do you seek to change?
(Be as specific as possible. Set boundaries around who it’s for... You can’t change everyone, it's about serving the right people who need the exact solution you provide.)
3) How are you going to make the change happen?
(Will you create the change that you wish to make with a weekly meeting, a product, a service, a blog, an experience, by leading a group?
....There are no rules.)
4) Do you have the genetic or intangible ability and talent needed to make you remarkable, either today or one-day after years and years of showing up, at the work you wish to do?
(Or, is this something that deep down you know you will likely be mediocre at? If the answer is mediocre... I don’t mean to be mean, but maybe saving yourself the time and quitting now is the right thing to do.
Or... maybe it's not.
Quitting is important when we quit at the right things.)
5) What is the one interesting problem in the world that you are giving your life to help solve?
(Not 4 problems, not 3 problems combined into 1, just pick one problem.
Or, another way of phrasing it is what is the one problem that people will seek you out to help them solve?)
6) Does the work matter? And if so, why? (Why does it matter to you? Why does it matter to those you seek to serve?)
7) Is it even possible?
(Has anyone with your resources ever pulled off anything like this? Who has gone before you? Is there anyone who is where you wish to be, doing the craft you wish to do, and creating the change you wish to make? List them here. The more people you can find, the clearer the path will be.)
8) Where is the path to get there? (The answer lies in the story of the person/people you wrote down in answer 7. If you don't know enough about their stories and the path they took to get to where they are, research it. [this is one of the most important steps] Then ask yourself what you need to do to get on a similar path... Do you need to go to college, find an internship, continue to build more job experience? Once you know, get on the trail as quickly as possible.)
9) What is the daily, weekly, and monthly work you are doing in order to grow into the person who can consistently create the change that you wish to make?
(Dreams become real with action, everything else is a fantasy.)
10) Last question - What are you willing to sacrifice as you build your contribution to the world?
(This is not a sprint... are you prepared to show up daily to build your vision for the next 5, 10, and 15 years? Anyone can show up for a week to three months or even a couple years with a new idea, but are you prepared to show up regularly, with care and generosity, to prove to us that we can trust you with the change you wish to make?
What do you need to give up and commit to in order to form the person you need to be?)
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And here's a few last words:
Set your course. Start small. Be extremely, EXTREMELY patient. Don't focus on numbers, measurement, or comparison, it doesn't matter. Be generous with who you are and your gifting. Work to free yourself from the internal limitations like fear and shame that hold you back from pure self-expression. And lastly, remember that in the end, all that this comes down to is you being generous with the gift of who you are.
I hope this helps.
Twenty One Pilots - My Blood
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mn-FFjIbo8
There are fragmented and broken parts in all of us, in need of our attention, that wish for us to acknowledge their existence, that ache for us to be there when it's quiet and we feel isolated in our own pain.
...We all need friends in moments like this.
But having friends is lonely when we're not first friends with ourselves.
This is why we need to lean into the broken, ashamed, and hated parts within us.
Because even these parts need a friend too.
*this new music video by Twenty One Pilots, linked above, is a great visual for what it looks like to befriend yourself. You'll need to watch the whole video to understand. You'll get it though. We've all been there.
Who are we changing for?
We're growing, we're going after our weaknesses, we're going to counseling, we're seeking to change for the better...
But for who?
And why?
For some, they're sitting in a therapists chair for their wife.
For another, it might be so that their kids don't experience a father like the one they had.
Even if we're changing for ourselves it's actually, when we include how many factors will be impacted, narrow sited.
Witchcraft is never something I would ever recommend following, but there is one belief that I find particularly fascinating about shamanistic cultures that we might have something to learn from and it's their view that trauma and internal wounds are problems not just for the individual, but for the entire community.
This view is a stark contrast toward our cultures value for praising the individual who exemplifies endurance, "strength," and will-power in the face of tears, trauma, stress, and pain.
Yet, if our rising drug abuse statistics, suicides (Mac Miller and Prince to name a few), rises in depression, ADD, and school shooting aren't enough proof, we are only fooling and hurting ourselves with such beliefs.
This change is about more than just ourselves.
So for everyone who is putting in the work to grow and change for the better, thank you for contributing, for your generosity, for caring about the greater good.
If you thought your internal journey of going to get counseling or taking care of yourself is selfish, it's far from it. If anything, it's one of the greatest acts of generosity you could give toward your family, self, and the entirety of your community.
Well done.
Why keeping score doesn't always matter
If Steph Curry was frustrated with his three-point performance night after night but, at the same time, he wasn’t shooting his regular 300-shots-a-day, or shooting before the game at all, it’s likely that he’s focusing on the wrong problem.
So why do we worry about how long it's been since we looked at porn or how many times we became angered or enraged throughout the week? If the score in such circumstances is not what matters, and if it's not what is worth focusing on, why are we even tracking it?
The better question is, what actions should you be tracking and focusing on and how regularly are you doing them?