Re: self-compassion advice

Last week I posed this question to those who follow along on my email list:

What is the most important, consistent thing that you do to show compassion toward yourself?  Or, how do you put self-compassion into action?

Here were your responses.  These are incredible.

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I often do a self-visualization of the part of me that's hurting (usually ends up being a small child) and then ask him to come sit with me. That helps a lot. Just asking that he come be with me is a huge integration of myself. Draws me closer. 

Meditation helps by just calming down and feeling your emotions. 

I also often ask myself "what's a really kind thing I could do for you right now?" It's nearly always much simpler than I would have expected. 

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I take time to remember that showing myself compassion doesn't always come naturally.  I tend to be harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I have to be intentional to change that pattern.

To do so, I stop throughout my day and ask myself if I am being kind to myself.  I stop and listen to my self-talk and ask myself if I would speak to another person with the words and tone that I am speaking to myself. We counsel ourselves all day long through our self-talk, so I regularly ask, am I counseling myself with compassion and kindness?

Whenever I start to feel depression or some related negative emotion, I know that it is the time to stop and ask myself if I am being kind to myself. When this happens, I intentionally stop and choose love, compassion, and kindness.

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One thing I have done is to imagine my son as me.  I then go to my son and tell him that I love him, I am proud of him, I love how he builds really cool robots and fights bad guys.  As I talk to him I imagine I am loving and encouraging myself.  The best part is when my son talks back to me,"Dada, you are really cool"  or "I love you too".  I know it sounds different but I actually feel myself loving me when I imagine my son as myself and we go through this wonderful exercise from time to time. 

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I used to expose my sins in the name of light disinfecting my sin, now I am trusting Christ has the sin completely covered and desires me to come close. This results in my pain becoming an opportunity for me to be close to God and man, rather than alone. As a result, I am ending the war with myself and fully engaging with the pain whether it be triggers or acting out, and I’m not alone in it. HALLELFREAKINGLUJAH!! I’m becoming heartbroken for the “before porn” moments I could have shared with a God that wants to draw close and friends that care.

F Shame. F Porn. Hello tender, worth loving, ok to be broken, dependent, open hearted, emotionally engaged self. I’m not fixing myself anymore so he can loved, that’s SO EXHAUSTING!, I’m drawing as close as possible, fully knowing my brokenness is ok amidst love. 

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The way I practice self-compassion during my day is by setting up reminders on my iPhone. I usually have them tell me that I’m doing great or I ask myself ‘Heart how am I doing” or “What am I saying yes and no to.” I also find it very helpful to constantly remind myself that if I mess up on something that it’s not the end and to keep pushing forward. Lastly, I make sure I spend time doing the things I enjoy weekly and that I have days off of work. 

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I do things for myself that I love, even if it's not popular. I love horsepower, I love going to car shows and drag races. Even though no one in my family agrees or enjoys those things I do and I treat my self from time to time.  

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I have a covenant relationship with my morning schedule, this has impacted my life dramatically. I start the day with a quick simple prayer, directly after that I beginning writing, and that's followed up with a devotion. While I dive into my writing I first begin with getting my thoughts and feelings onto paper. This allows me to hand pick the positive thoughts that will impact my day for the better and throw out any unwanted toxic thoughts floating around. This act itself is tri-fold in the Self-compassion department. 

1. It's literally the act of self-compassion, taking the time to be authentic and honest with yourself. 

2. It exposes the areas in your life that you could possibly have/start showing more self-compassion. 

3. It starts your day with victory at hand! You've already won the day and it soon becomes contagions to those paying close attention. 

Hope this helps. Thanks for the opportunity to speak into your journey, as well as your other readers. 

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I close my eyes and visualize God, as a kind, loving father, standing in front of me. I show him my self-doubts, my hurt, my feelings of failure and shame, and I ask him what he thinks about me.

Every time, he grips me with a firm, warm hug and tells me it’s ok, I’m doing the best job I can, and that he is proud of me despite whatever I’m frustrated or hurt about.

I use to have to close my eyes and do this exercise to get to a place where what he said felt real. But after a month of regularly doing this, I noticed that no matter how many times I go to Him while feeling like a failure or insignificant, he would always hug me and tell me the same message.

I’m loved. He’s proud of me. And I’m important.

I now trust his embrace and kind words even more than my own circumstances and doubting thoughts.

With time, my faith became stronger. I don’t even have to close my eyes anymore to connect with self-acceptance and compassion for myself.

Now I know that even in my brokenness, failure, and insignificance that I am still deserving of love.

This has freed me tremendously and helped me become a better friend and husband.

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The most effective way I practice self compassion is always in moments where I make a mistake at work. Wether some says something or not, normally, I’d come down on myself and welcome waves of guilt to crash on my heart. More recently, I have put a dam on those waves in such a way of taking time to intentionally realize all the other factors that play into this mistake and almost always realize it’s something very understandable. I physically feel the difference in my heart when this happens: it feels like a lifting versus a sinking!

Resisting being controlled

Can you remember the force of motivation that arose in you as a teenager that resisted the feeling of being controlled?

This "force" of resistance is what psychologists call counterwill, and its a natural part of developing into an adult that aids us in discovering our own motivations and preferences as teenagers.

However, as many of us know from our teenage years, it doesn't always go hand-in-hand with wise discernment and decision making abilities...

Counterwill is why pastors kids often end up running in the complete opposite direction from their parents. Or why we grow up resisting the place we grew up. 

There's no freedom!  No choices to make!  Nothing to be!

And we need such choices and options to find ourselves.

Not around us, though, but within.

Without the freedom to make choices as we please, we'll want to run away from whatever situation we find ourselves in with every part of our being.

Because we're made to have a choice, to muster up and manage our own motivations... take that away, and our counterwill and immature impulses overrun us.

Even as adults, when we feel our power stripped away, we still witness our "inner teenager or child" impulsively jump out in reaction before we can even blink.

Such moments like these reveal our counterwill still at work within us, and also, areas where we have not fully developed and matured as adults.

These impulse moments are moments to pay attention to, and also, moments to compassionately inquire of ourselves why it is that we are still reacting in an impulsive, immature way whenever we feel out of control? 

(Perhaps, with our wives, kids, bosses, or coworkers?)

The lost art of listening

It's fascinating how remarkably underrated listening is in today’s world, despite how many areas of our lives it holds the ability to transform.

I guess this is so because all things that are challenging tend to naturally, become rare.

But nevertheless, listening is exceptionally difficult because it requires...

1) Humility

The freedom from pride, our false self, and ego.  Accepting that you may be wrong, that you may not have everything and everyone figured out... and believing that this is ok.

It's listening to others in the same way that you would like others to listen to you.  

Or,

It's listening to every word that another says as if you know nothing about them at all.

*Try it with your wife the next time you speak. Or a friend or co-worker if you're not married.

2) Curiosity

Curiosity is possessing the heart of a child and explorer- and believing that there is always more to be discovered in our own hearts, in every person we meet, and every conversation we enter into. 

Beauty hides in the least suspected of places, and to find it, as Albert Einstein said, "The important thing is not to stop questioning."

3) Wonder

Wonder is what that we find at the end of our humility and curiosity as we discover beauty and truth in the most unlikely of places. 

—

Upon first thought, we may think that listening is first learned by doing so with others. However, it couldn’t be further from the truth. The art of listening begins with oneself.  

It may be deamed as a waste of time, as boring, or inconvenient in today’s fast-paced world, but if we never stop to listen and appreciate the thoughts passing through our own hears and minds, how will we ever hope to appreciate the thoughts within others?

Listening to our own thoughts with grace, wonder, and curiosity, while practicing to accept whatever thoughts, impulses, and emotions arise within us without judgement or seeking to change them is what’s makes an extraordinary listener.

And it’s also what makes others love speaking to us, too.

If one is not listening, in stillness, to his own thoughts and impulses and contemplating what he finds there, both God and the world will quickly feel like a distant place.

So humble the part of your self that craves attention, fears being wrong, resists stillness,  and viewing others without compassion and curiosity....

And listen.

To the silence, the stranger, the lessons that life is teaching you, and the quiet Spirit of Truth that is always living and speaking within you.

The world is always teaching. But can you recognizing it’s voice? Do you know what the Truth sounds like? 

Right this second, in a still place within your soul, He is speaking.

Finding your voice (through art)

Whether our goal is to find a new fitting career path, stop looking at porn, grow in self-awareness, or build a business- at some point on our journey, if we hope to step fully into who we were made to be, we're going to have to create.  

We're going to have to look within, face our fears, give our emotions a voice, and create something beautiful to share with the world that goes beyond career, craft, and artistic medium, and make, as Seth Godin beautifully defines in the quote below, art:

"Art is an original gift, a connection that changes the recipient, a human ability to make a difference. Art isn’t a painting or even a poem, it’s something that any of us can do. If you interact with others, you have the platform to create something new—something that changes everything. I call that art.

Kathy Sierra does art when she teaches us about user interfaces, and Mary Ann Davis does art when she pushes the edges of what pottery can become. Art feels risky because it is. The risk the artist takes is that you might not like it, might not be touched, might actually laugh at the effort. And it’s taking these risks that lead us to get rewarded."

So the question is, what art are you making for us? 

What do you have to say?  

We're listening with anticipation.

Removing the noise

Try to close Instagram. Turn Spotify off. Unsubscribe from the podcasts. Stop watching Jordan Peterson on YouTube. Lay your new book aside. And begin to let go of your desires and impulsive thoughts....

And be.

Close your eyes.

Feel a joy that is beyond your circumstance, a love that is beyond your works, and a peace that is beyond your darkest fear.

Allow your wandering thoughts and restless spirit to be still.

Breathe. Give your soul permission to do so too.

All the information at your fingertips is merely noise distracting you from Who your soul long’s to find in the silence.

And Who is longing to find you...

Are you listening?