When something is wrong with a car engine, it knocks, shakes, sputters, and leaks.
It doesn't use words or the English language, but it is talking.
And when it does, it’s communicating what it needs.
And just like a car, your heart also talks and lets you know what it needs, but not with words... or by sputtering, shaking, or knocking.
The human heart speaks with emotions.
The question that we must master asking and finding the answer to is, "What are my emotions communicating to me that I need?"
Toxic Masculinity & The Controversial Gillette Video Advertisement
If you've been following social media this week, you likely watched and read about the controversy around Gillette's latest video advertisement that attempted to call men up and encourage men away from "toxic masculine” behaviors.
I'll start by making this point clear, I have no problem with the Gillette add. I agree that bullying, sexualizing, and harassing women in a disrespectful manner is outright appalling and a major issue.
I do have a problem, however, IF the narrative in the video is being attached to the oppressive postmodern philosophy that is being spread about men, gender roles, and masculinity in our culture today- specifically in the College & Higher Education system, Social Sciences, Human Service Professions, and media.
Standing on its own, the Gillette add is a decent and innocent video, but if it is unified with narratives about gender taking place in our culture today around postmodern ideals, to me, then it becomes a real problem.
Now as to whether or not Gillette is attempting to join this movement, they don’t clearly come out and say. I’ll leave that to your own interpretation as it's also beyond the point I'm making.
To provide a bit of context about the postmodern ideas on gender I'm referring to, and more specifically in the human service professions, here’s one example: last week, the American Psychology Association revealed a new set of guidelines and ethics for how psychologists should best work with clients who are boys and men. In the document, they address topics like gender, gender roles, "toxic" masculine ideology, privilege, and oppression.
When such topics are heightened to this measure by such an accredited organization, one would assume that this is because of an overwhelming amount of psychological pain and suffering that is taking place within a culture due to the proposed problem.
With that assumption, essentially, the ASA is claiming that we have a psychological epidemic that's being perpetuated by male dominance and masculine gender roles in America.
Fair enough, I can see how one could come to such a claim. But of all the mental health research, science, and ideas that the ASA could focus on bringing national attention to, why of all things is "toxic masculinity" at the top of the list?
What about childhood trauma and ACE's, PTSD, shame, sexual brokenness, loneliness, or any of the other underlying issues that might be perpetuating these masculine toxic behaviors?
Before I dive into how murky (or corrupt?) this is, here's an example, among countless others that I have, which also adequately reveals how saturated the college system is in urgently promoting similar postmodern messages:
Yesterday, in the FIRST DAY of my World Civilizations college class, of all the things that could be taught about the rise and fall of civilizations throughout history, the first article that my class was assigned to read was about the origin and history of the dominance of the male patriarchy.
...I mean, seriously? You're telling me that the best place to begin learning about the civilizations of Babylon and the Roman Empire is male dominance?
I expected these indoctrinating conversations about gender and masculinity in my Sociology classes, but I was surprised that this postmodern narrative seeped it's way over into my 1st assignment in a human civilization class.
I could go on and on with examples from my college professors promoting their ideology, and other colleges too, but nevertheless, to come back to the narrative around the Gillette advertisement, IF the video's narrative is attached to everything we're reading in the media about men and masculinity, the ideology around gender that is being spread in our college campuses, and how these social theories are being perpetrated by national human service institutions, it is concerning.
I agree that tyrannical, stoic, and excessive aggressive behavior is toxic for men, their families, women, and our society, and I have empathy for those who are attempting to use these ideological efforts as a genuine attempt to alleviate the pain and suffering within our communities.
But is pointing the finger at "male toxicity" the best way to solve this issue?
Or better yet, is "male toxicity" even the real issue?
From my experience professionally working with and consulting men on emotional health issues- bullying, sexualizing women, and harassing women is a sign of a much deeper issue than "men being men."
In fact, in my opinion, it's a sign of a boy who was never raised by a man.
Men who bully other men also don't struggle with what they define as “masculine toxicity” either, they struggle with repressed pain, anger, insecurity, and the inability to regulate such emotions.
Systemically, such behaviors are rooted in developmental, emotional, and mental health problems, rather gender or cultural stereotype issues.
Without any disrespect toward those who have been hurt on the behalf of men, and not to use these points as an excuse, let's state this problem for what it is. Men are not toxic...
Men are in pain.
Just look at the rates of male suicide, fatherlessness, addiction, PTSD, and incarceration. As a group, we're returning from wars emotionally and psychologically scarred with little to no resources for handling PTSD, we're being raised without fathers, (and if we are, the chances are high that our fathers were stoic, emotionally detached, and/or overbearingly rigid which leads to numerous physical, emotional, and mental problems), we’re committing suicide at record rates, struggling with loneliness, and being raised with little to no tools on how to regulate our emotions through life's pain and suffering. So yeah, (and again, this is not meant to be an excuse) it's no wonder we have issues with incarceration, assault, sexual addiction, and "male toxicity."
Maybe the best thing we can do is rather than pointing our fingers at external issues, surface level behaviors, and the wounds created by them, we can begin to look deeper at the hearts of those committing these acts and how we can best help.
Sure, make more inspiring commercials.
Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn't. It's beyond the point.
What we truly need is to create a culture that no longer encourages men to deny or run away from their emotional wounds and instead encourages men to take pride in taking responsibility for their pain and facing their shadow, to remove the stigma and shame around men who are suffering, and to provide access to proven resources for men who want to grow and get emotional and mental help.
For the men reading this blog who are likely already on this journey, unless we wish to watch more men lose themselves to the emptiness and pain of isolation, rage, and addiction, or to watch before our eyes as deceitful ideas seep through our nation that will leave our future boys without any truth, identity, or sense of meaning, we need to share our stories and encourage our brothers and friends to join us on the journey we're on.
Perfect or fractured, weak or strong, we need to come together. We need each other. And more than ever, as men, we need to set an example and embody the change we wish to make by taking responsibility for what's lurking in the shadows of our own souls, by facing the darkness and demons within us, and by striving to "clean our own house" as perfectly as possible before facing the world.
Because if you have yet to notice...
The world is asking for you stand up, to be whom you were made to be, and to lead us.
A razor commercial can't change a community, marriage, or family legacy...
But you can.
You are the voice, the leader, the change we're waiting to see.
What is worth measuring?
When one man looks within he finds joy, happiness, and a life to be grateful for.
For another, he may find boredom, a sense of worthlessness, lack of purpose, or pain and suffering.
But what if what one finds is not the point to measure or grade.
What if the point that matters is that we're feeling, deeply and wholeheartedly, despite what we feel. And learning to handle, face, and accept whatever emotions and thoughts that we find within ourselves?
Isn't this where emotional health begins? With honest and truthful feeling?
Maybe through accepting ourselves, we can better accept the world.
How to to create a meaningful journal
When I observe my clients and friends who are intentionally moving toward growth and freedom, and more importantly, the ones who are gaining ground toward the change they seek, I can't help but notice that every one of them takes time to write on a regular basis.
I'm always slow to label something as an instant cure-all, or as a must for growth because few things work for everyone, but the more I ponder the act of keeping a journal and the more I work with my clients, the more convinced I become in the power of regularly spending an hour or two in solitude to contemplate life and to write. The following post is an explanation as to why I believe that.
Now, if you already have a great routine with your writing, this post won't be for you and I would encourage you to continue doing what is working. But for those of you who are looking to get more out of your alone time, who feel that you have more to say and write than what comes out, who know there is more to capture in your leather-bound journal than what's filling it, here are some thoughts on how to make writing in a journal a weekly or daily exercise that you won’t be able to live without.
WHERE TO START?
I journal on my phone with the Evernote app and have been using it for five years now because it's quick, easy to organize, measurable, and accessible at all times. I also have many friends who write in physical journals too, including my wife who swears by it. She has a box of journals that she's written in since high school. I have my journals (in Evernote) from over five years ago.
You can’t put a price tag on having old writings and journals to return to that are full of everything you've learned and overcome. Personally, I think it’s one of the best investments you can make with your time.
With all that being said, there isn't a right or wrong way to write because what you journal in is significantly less important than how often you journal.
WHAT IS THE GOAL?
Writing in a journal goes hand in hand with contemplation and reflection. It's not a mundane "dear diary, today I..." exercise where we list out all the surface level things in our day or week- it's a practice that involves solitude, where we take the time to ponder life and ask ourselves deep questions with curiosity and compassion, and then we write about what we find.
If you ever struggle with figuring out what to write or think about when you're in front of a blank page and alone, here are some questions you can ask:
How am I doing emotionally? What am I feeling? What do want to write about?
Do I need to process my thoughts? Express my feelings in a poem? Write out a list to help me make or assess a major life decision?
Or maybe I want to take the time to reflect and write about what is working in life at the moment and going well? Or think about what isn't going well and is in need of adjusting?
Or to reflect and write down what I'm aiming my life towards? What are my goals with God, my friends, health, career, etc.?
When in doubt, when life teaches and opens your eyes to something new, write it down. When you experience beauty, no matter how small, worth remembering, write it down. When you have thoughts that need to get out, or emotions that need to be released, or thoughts that need to be expressed, write them down.
There really aren't any rules other than when you're deeply moved within, write.
MEANING
I wrote a couple weeks ago about meaning on this blog, and about how meaning is something that I believe you have to learn how to see and aim your life at. In my opinion, spending time alone and writing in a journal is one of the best ways to sustain and steward the inner sense of meaning because I believe that the sense of meaning actually forms within us when we reflect and answer questions like the ones listed in the previous section. It also compounds as we orient and move our actions toward the answers we find.
MAKE ART
Maybe you're inspired and in the mood to write a poem. Or you're inspired to paint and then write about what you're expressing and feeling. Or to craft a song. Regardless of whether or not you consider yourself to be creative, try to express your emotions, thoughts, and experiences in an artistic way every once in a while. I can't stress this one enough. There's something about creating that forces us to go deeper, to take a risk, and to look at what scares and hurts us that we would otherwise avoid.
I don't know anyone who became emotionally whole who didn't express themselves creatively in some manner.
And not only does creating awaken us, but it also helps rewire and redevelop our brains too.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST...
Schedule it.
Every week.
Then guard this time slot and make it yours.
And do it again for next week. And then the week after.
If someone asks you to hang out in that time slot, it's ok to say no.
You’ll know you’re writing in a meaningful way when you don't want a weekend to go by without it.
LASTLY
If you need inspiration for where to start in your journal, start with writing your annual review for 2018, which I wrote about a couple weeks ago. I also turned my journal in 2016 into an ebook that you can read here.
All I can say is that there isn't a wrong way to do this as long as you're enjoying it, but again, you'll know you're writing correctly when you no longer want a week to go by without it.
The 100,000 dollars of debt in our souls
Experiencing childhood pain and trauma is the emotional equivalent to coming into adulthood burdened with $100,000 of debt to climb out of.
(And it could be more, pending on your story.)
So if you’re irritated and angry with all the pain and stress that you’ve had to go through, you’re likely right, your situation is not fair. It’s not fair what’s happened to you, it’s not fair that you didn’t have a choice with your upbringing, with the pain you experienced, and it’s not fair how much work and pain you now have to push through to become whole and free and who you were made to be...
So maybe there’s no need to put all this pressure on yourself for not overcoming your addiction faster or improving your marriage in a more timely manner.
You wouldn’t expect a friend to get out of $100K of debt in a year (or likely even two or three years), so why are you putting these expectations on yourself?
You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve been given.
This journey is going to take time...
And that’s ok.