Why keeping score doesn't always matter

If Steph Curry was frustrated with his three-point performance night after night but, at the same time, he wasn’t shooting his regular 300-shots-a-day, or shooting before the game at all, it’s likely that he’s focusing on the wrong problem. 

So why do we worry about how long it's been since we looked at porn or how many times we became angered or enraged throughout the week? If the score in such circumstances is not what matters, and if it's not what is worth focusing on, why are we even tracking it?

The better question is, what actions should you be tracking and focusing on and how regularly are you doing them?

The Two Types of Men

As men, we tend to fall somewhere between these two extremes when it pertains to our perspective on emotions:

We are either disconnected and unaware throughout our day of what emotions we have and how they're influencing us, which regularly leaves us feeling numb, lost, angered, and confused within

or

we’re so aware of our emotions that we often find ourselves lost, overwhelmed, and "drowning" amidst them.

Both, in their own way, leave us desperate and starving for control within. And thus, if given enough negative experiences, lead us to resist our emotions. 

But...

There's another way to regain internal control and power, and it's not through dominating our emotions, dictating an internal change, or punishing ourselves in self-judgment because of our inability to control our inner world. 

Instead, it's about changing, slowly, through the lifelong work of practicing stillness and self-awareness, where we learn to approach the emotions limiting us from peace with bravery, acceptance, curiosity, and compassion.

What are emotions for?

Here is a list of things you can do without acknowledging any of your emotions:
- Lead a large group, company, church, or practice and have influence
- Work endless hours at work
- Be admired and highly praised by others
- Possess an exorbitant amount of intelligence, intellect, and IQ
- Be efficient and exceptionally productive
- Embody impeccable discipline
- Become an expert at a craft or skill
- Make an immense amount of money
- Build a thriving business or organization

Here is a list of things that you won't be able to have without any connection with your emotions:
- An intimate, fulfilling marriage with your best friend and lover
- An unbreakable bond of friendship and comradery with other men 
- A vibrant, passionate connection with your spirit, mind, and soul
- Kids who emotionally trust you
- Peace
- Joy
- Possessing unconditional love for yourself and others
- An awareness of God's presence that is alive and richly flowing within you

It's worth remembering that when we neglect our emotions, we also neglect everything on this second list.

But, thankfully, there is another way.

What to do in a relationship when you're triggered?

You're dating or married, and your wife or girlfriend regularly triggers you (into feeling angry, hurt, irritated, or passive...)

What do you do?

You can blame her, argue, punish her with anger, withdraw and isolate, or complain about how she's not meeting your needs...

or

You can accept that, although it's extremely irritating and uncomfortable, she just presented to you an opportunity to see yourself in a new way and revealed to you an area inside of yourself still in need of development and maturity.

Finding space to process through your emotions in these situations may help, but the worst thing we could do is respond by blaming them for our dysfunction.  Instead, we have the opportunity to inquire with compassion what is actually taking place inside us.

Yes, something unhealthy could be taking place in the other person, but if we have yet to become intimate in understanding our own impulsive reactions, we likely are not ready to venture into her inner world yet.

There are plenty of questions we can ask to find understanding about ourselves in such situations though:

How did her actions make you emotionally feel?

Why did it trigger you to respond in such a way?

How did your reactive unwanted response make you feel? Momentarily relieved? Powerful? Free?

How was she feeling before the incident took place? What about after? Why?

I don't have the answers to these questions, but they are likely buried in her and within yourself under a multitude of similar questions.

So whenever you find yourself triggered...

Follow your curiosity as you seek to understand what just happened. Accept your emotions and her actions and ask her and yourself countless questions with compassion. Never assume that you know the answer and always communicate how curious you are as you ask them to her so she doesn’t feel interrogated. As you’re being self-aware of your own thoughts, emotions, and reactions, don’t forget to place yourself in her shoes too, to try to understand where she is coming from.

The more you understand yourself, the easier it becomes to understand her. A man who struggles with listening to his wife likely struggles with listening to his own heart... 

And it’s worth saying twice, be wary of placing blame.

The danger of relationships is that there is always someone else to blame for our problems.

Compulsive and trigger-like reactions are not reactions to avoid, but rather they are guideposts for self-work and discovery that, if they are inquired of and handled well, lead to deeper levels of intimacy with the person in whom we love in this world the most.

Millennials, stop worrying about changing the world.

Millennials have been told from a young age that they were made to change the world...

Yet, probably 98% of Millennials aren’t leading crowds or movements nor are they the face of any global change. 

So are we failing? 

Do our lives lack purpose?  Are we as worthless, boring, and unimportant as we suppose?

We feel like it.

Though the encouragement to change the world was well intended by former generations, it's left many young adults struggling to feel significant.

Many of my co-workers and friends that I speak with under the age of 36 are struggling with finding a sense of significance,  not only in in their current job and career, but in overall life.

Desiring to create change, holding dreams, and standing up to lead is important, but all of these things are far more difficult than many dare to admit. Most struggle enough with leading themselves well, much less the world. 

It’s worth stating what needs to be publicly obvious, but numbers (of followers and dollars) are a terrible means of measuring success, human value, and purpose, just as much as using a career and work is as a means to measure self-worth.

We need not worry about changing the world because the world will transform as we do.

It changes with us from the inside out, for us first.

And our dreams follow.

But no one wants to talk about or focus on the internal work required to even have the bravery and resiliency to chase after ones true dreams... because dreaming requires leading, and leading, as we come to find, is both painful and terrifying.

We’ve all been told how leadership is a choice and it begins within, but after one makes the choice, the next step is getting others to enroll in the change we wish to inspire and make.

Yet, what us millennials struggle to see is that on some level, we're already influencing everyone around us to enroll in something... whether it’s generosity, kindness, or empathy, or judgment, criticism, and striving- this choice is ours. 

In order for our actions to matter, they don’t have to be before an entire people group or nation. If you help buy a homeless person a meal tomorrow while getting gas, that doesn’t make you any less significant than Scott Harris (from Charity Water) who is bringing clean drinking water to thousands of people across the world. 

So we need not question if we are unimportant and failing, but rather if we are where we are supposed to be?

Are we seeking and moving toward the meaningful, inner change we need? 

Are we doing difficult things that make for a better tomorrow, facing the wilderness in our soul, running toward what we fear, listening to what life is teaching us, and embracing the pain that comes with spiritual growth?

If we really want to set ourselves apart in this world and make a difference, learn to live gracefully and free in the world that you find yourself in right now.

Patience and true spiritual freedom is scarce. 

If you have it people will want it. So there’s no need to go out striving for it.

So maybe you will one day lead a crowd... 

or maybe you won’t. 

Regardless, it will never be what truly matters.