When I observe my clients and friends who are intentionally moving toward growth and freedom, and more importantly, the ones who are gaining ground toward the change they seek, I can't help but notice that every one of them takes time to write on a regular basis.
I'm always slow to label something as an instant cure-all, or as a must for growth because few things work for everyone, but the more I ponder the act of keeping a journal and the more I work with my clients, the more convinced I become in the power of regularly spending an hour or two in solitude to contemplate life and to write. The following post is an explanation as to why I believe that.
Now, if you already have a great routine with your writing, this post won't be for you and I would encourage you to continue doing what is working. But for those of you who are looking to get more out of your alone time, who feel that you have more to say and write than what comes out, who know there is more to capture in your leather-bound journal than what's filling it, here are some thoughts on how to make writing in a journal a weekly or daily exercise that you won’t be able to live without.
WHERE TO START?
I journal on my phone with the Evernote app and have been using it for five years now because it's quick, easy to organize, measurable, and accessible at all times. I also have many friends who write in physical journals too, including my wife who swears by it. She has a box of journals that she's written in since high school. I have my journals (in Evernote) from over five years ago.
You can’t put a price tag on having old writings and journals to return to that are full of everything you've learned and overcome. Personally, I think it’s one of the best investments you can make with your time.
With all that being said, there isn't a right or wrong way to write because what you journal in is significantly less important than how often you journal.
WHAT IS THE GOAL?
Writing in a journal goes hand in hand with contemplation and reflection. It's not a mundane "dear diary, today I..." exercise where we list out all the surface level things in our day or week- it's a practice that involves solitude, where we take the time to ponder life and ask ourselves deep questions with curiosity and compassion, and then we write about what we find.
If you ever struggle with figuring out what to write or think about when you're in front of a blank page and alone, here are some questions you can ask:
How am I doing emotionally? What am I feeling? What do want to write about?
Do I need to process my thoughts? Express my feelings in a poem? Write out a list to help me make or assess a major life decision?
Or maybe I want to take the time to reflect and write about what is working in life at the moment and going well? Or think about what isn't going well and is in need of adjusting?
Or to reflect and write down what I'm aiming my life towards? What are my goals with God, my friends, health, career, etc.?
When in doubt, when life teaches and opens your eyes to something new, write it down. When you experience beauty, no matter how small, worth remembering, write it down. When you have thoughts that need to get out, or emotions that need to be released, or thoughts that need to be expressed, write them down.
There really aren't any rules other than when you're deeply moved within, write.
MEANING
I wrote a couple weeks ago about meaning on this blog, and about how meaning is something that I believe you have to learn how to see and aim your life at. In my opinion, spending time alone and writing in a journal is one of the best ways to sustain and steward the inner sense of meaning because I believe that the sense of meaning actually forms within us when we reflect and answer questions like the ones listed in the previous section. It also compounds as we orient and move our actions toward the answers we find.
MAKE ART
Maybe you're inspired and in the mood to write a poem. Or you're inspired to paint and then write about what you're expressing and feeling. Or to craft a song. Regardless of whether or not you consider yourself to be creative, try to express your emotions, thoughts, and experiences in an artistic way every once in a while. I can't stress this one enough. There's something about creating that forces us to go deeper, to take a risk, and to look at what scares and hurts us that we would otherwise avoid.
I don't know anyone who became emotionally whole who didn't express themselves creatively in some manner.
And not only does creating awaken us, but it also helps rewire and redevelop our brains too.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST...
Schedule it.
Every week.
Then guard this time slot and make it yours.
And do it again for next week. And then the week after.
If someone asks you to hang out in that time slot, it's ok to say no.
You’ll know you’re writing in a meaningful way when you don't want a weekend to go by without it.
LASTLY
If you need inspiration for where to start in your journal, start with writing your annual review for 2018, which I wrote about a couple weeks ago. I also turned my journal in 2016 into an ebook that you can read here.
All I can say is that there isn't a wrong way to do this as long as you're enjoying it, but again, you'll know you're writing correctly when you no longer want a week to go by without it.
The 100,000 dollars of debt in our souls
Experiencing childhood pain and trauma is the emotional equivalent to coming into adulthood burdened with $100,000 of debt to climb out of.
(And it could be more, pending on your story.)
So if you’re irritated and angry with all the pain and stress that you’ve had to go through, you’re likely right, your situation is not fair. It’s not fair what’s happened to you, it’s not fair that you didn’t have a choice with your upbringing, with the pain you experienced, and it’s not fair how much work and pain you now have to push through to become whole and free and who you were made to be...
So maybe there’s no need to put all this pressure on yourself for not overcoming your addiction faster or improving your marriage in a more timely manner.
You wouldn’t expect a friend to get out of $100K of debt in a year (or likely even two or three years), so why are you putting these expectations on yourself?
You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve been given.
This journey is going to take time...
And that’s ok.
2019's Emotional Health Goals
As I reflect on 2018 and who I was at the beginning of last January, I would say that the greatest change that I see in myself is that I'm significantly more kind to myself than I've ever been.
In fact, focusing my attention on extending self-compassion toward myself worked so well that I'm focusing my entire 2019 on it again. My chips are all in on this. I've seen what it can do in me, how much freedom it's brought me, what it's done for you, my clients, my friends, and I'm hearing what it's doing for other mental health professionals too.
So, I'm looking forward to focusing on this more and trying to find more readings and studies on the topic. I'll be sure to share them on here as I find them.
With that being said, my five emotional health goals/themes for 2019 are...
1) To be more kind to myself than I've ever been in times of failure, imperfection, weakness, and shame.
2) To continue to hang out one-on-one with a close friend at least once a week, if not more. I've come to know I need this. Life's just not as full without intentional time with friends.
3) To continue blocking out two hours every Saturday or Sunday morning to sit in silence, ponder life, ask questions, read, write, and pray.
I've been doing this one for years. It's one of my favorite times of the week.
4) Be more patient.
I'm regularly asking this question to myself as a reminder, "why the rush?"
I want to further meditate on the belief this year that happiness doesn't come from doing and having more; happiness comes from within.
5) To be more present.
This year I want to enjoy the moment, take in my emotions more deeply, enjoy this time in my life, the friends I have, the journey I'm on, and soak in the rest of my first year of marriage.
We will only get this year, 2019, once. After the next twelve months are over, this year is gone forever.
So... let's dig in, invest wisely, make the most of our time, and live this year to fullest.
I would love to hear, what are your emotional health goals for 2019?
One year and 52 posts later
Before we move on to 2019, here are a few meaningful things that we learned this year:
- Meaning is something that we must take time to define for ourselves. And then we must intentionally aim our lives toward what we define as meaningful.
Purpose is no an accident, it’s a sense that we create and develop within us.
- It's always better to make the wise decision today, than to procrastinate and wait until the repercussions of our poor decisions create enough emotional pain to motivate us tomorrow.
- Having friends is lonely when we're not first friends with ourselves.
- Trauma and internal wounds are problems not just for the individual, but for the entire community.
- As often as you can throughout your day, remind yourself that you're stronger than you think you are. More loved than you feel. And you're doing a better job in life than you believe.
- Write an annual review in your journal every year. For the next five years. It's one of the best investments you can make for your future self every December.
It's a habit that keeps on giving.
- Never underestimate or overlook how much you contribute to your society by simply taking ownership of and confronting the darkness and wounds within you. Because when you heal, we all heal.
- The trap of scrolling through Instagram and Facebook is that it relentlessly reminds you of who you could be instead of reminding you to embrace who you are. It leads our attention from what we have to what we don't have. And our mind towards what we could be doing, rather than on enjoying the life we have.
- There's a long alist of socially acceptable things that our society deems as success that don't require any emotional health or spiritual maturity. Like making money, leading a church, group or business, preaching or giving an inspiring message, having thousands of followers, and being well liked by many.
"Success" doesn't always mean healthy and free.
- Our compulsive, trigger-like reactions are not reactions to avoid, but rather, guideposts for self-work and discovery that if they are inquired of and handled well, lead to deeper levels of intimacy with ourselves, others, and God.
- I can't summarize the self-compassion advice that was culminated from our readers in this post. It's so good that you just need to go back and read it again.
- Four keys to being a better listener: be present, humble (accept that you don't know everything), follow your curiosity as you listen to others, and embrace the wonder and beauty that you find in others in the most unlikely of places and conversations.
- The times when you don't feel, think, or believe that you deserve to be loved is the times when you need to intentionally show self-compassion to yourself the most.
- Being “triggered," or compulsive, or tempted do something momentarily relieving that you know will harm you negatively in the long run is an undeniable sign that you’re under some form of distress and discomfort.
When we’re triggered, tempted, and compulsive, it’s always because our brain wants to escape or find relief from something.
So the immediate question to always ask is...
What from?
- Boredom is self inflicted pain. We despise boredom not because of our boring circumstances but because of what we believe being bored says about who we are. (Ex: We’re worthless, missing out, or wasteful with our time)
- Trauma is not something that happens to you, it's something that happens inside of you.
- And... trauma is sadly normal in our society. Therefore, if you've experienced adversity, stress, and pain in your upbringing and childhood, it doesn't matter where you go, you are likely not alone in what you experienced.
- Brokenness is not an identity nor a destiny, but it is an inescapable part of living and healing.
- Emotional wounds don't always originate from something negative that happens to us. Sometimes wounds are the result of something that should have happened but never did.
Ex) The things your father never said or a mother who was emotionally distant and withdrawn.
- Never underestimate the power in half a second of self-awareness, in taking the time to ponder why you've lost your peace, in connecting with what you're feeling, and to ask yourself why you feel the way you do?
Not having all the answers
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." - Step one of Alcoholics Anonymous
Chances are, you’re not an alcoholic. However, to be vulnerable to pride is something we all are.
And with pride often comes denial, because as humans, we love to deny our problems and suffering.
Studies tell us that our minds naturally resist what brings us discomfort, and thinking about our problems is undoubtedly uncomfortable, which is why step one of Alcoholics Anonymous is a confession of powerlessness. Yes, in the context of the original writing it pertains to alcohol, but the underlying principle is more so about confessing to yourself that you are laying down your pride- because without humility and honesty, we live in denial and hide from the truth of our painful reality.
So step one of recovery is not about admitting that you're powerless to a substance or a disfunction, it's about admitting TO YOURSELF that you need help, and that your best strategies and aspirations have not freed you and provided you with the liberty you sought out, despite your best efforts.
So, alcoholic or not, we have to admit...
We don't have all the answers.
And that is ok.
(This is why we have each other.)